It's the middle of January. I'm sitting at home all day with a stupid sinus infection hoping to feel normal soon. I haven't had one of these infections in 5 or 6 years. I guess a God has to make me rest somehow. LOL!
I've been reading and studying a lot lately. God has been showing me so many things about Him, His promises and Word and a lot about me. God has really blessed us recently and the enemy has done his best to try and take these blessings from us. I am so sick and tired of this slew-footed weasel messing with me and my family. I'm 55 years old. Saggy, wrinkly, Oompa Loompa looking and tired. I've been seeking God's help and wisdom more than ever.
I've been speaking with so many people that are so desperate for some love and attention it's ridiculous. God has literally brought me to the front lines to see more people face to face and I am totally overwhelmed with emotion. Every day almost 600+ people pass through the doors of my place of employment and I get to have personal, close contact with at least 50 to 70 people on a daily basis. Since it seems as though church politics is trying to keep me from reaching the people God desires me to and to try to keep me from my destiny He has opened doors I could have never imagined. The first 20+ years of my Christian walk were spent in massive outreach of lost souls. Street preaching, singing in bands, plays, new convert dinners, home bible studies, anything to reach the broken hearted. The only thing I was not allowed to do was preach from a pulpit or lead because I am a woman.
In the past 10+ years I have done my best to do what God has called me to do and the religious church folk don't like the way I think or act. My unconventional ways to reach people and my worship seem to make some leaders in the church uncomfortable. God has work for me to do so He has allowed me to use these unconventional ways to reach even more people I could have ever imagined. Back to ole slew foot. The attacks from the enemy have been a lot less subtle and more blatant. This has forced me to study more and pray more and pray more differently.
So what is a person to do? I don't have many people to share things with. I don't trust many people with the issues of my heart so I end up holding a lot of things inside and I get myself frustrated. Talk to someone in leadership? They're too busy and I feel they wouldn't understand. It's been like that my whole Christian walk.
I have to hold onto the words and promises that God has declared over my life and my family's life. I'm hoping to be back and write more often. I'm here and proud and not ashamed to be called a Child of the King. I belong to Jesus. I'm opinionated and I can be a bit off-color in speech and behavior. I am not ashamed to praise God LOUDLY and worship Him differently. I am not afraid to state the truth in love and embrace the Word of God as the true gospel. I will not apologize when I speak about the Blood of Jesus or His crucifixion and His risen body. I will not apologize for my stance against abortion, gay marriage, adultery, fornication or sin, in general. Its the SIN i abhor. Not the person. I have my own issues to deal with and heart/life to keep in check. I'm here to love and help others. Not degrade them. Yet the church is the only army I know that kill their wounded and torture the hurting. There is a spirit loosed in our churches and many people, including leadership, are blind to it. It's big, subtle, manipulative, nasty and cunning and it wants God's people to fail. It wants us destroyed.
If I don't please man, so be it. I'm here to please God. I'm tired, weary and refuse to deal with the religious crap that's floating around our churches. We must humble ourselves before a mighty and holy God. Surrender our flesh to Him and be real with Him. He knows when we're faking. He's not stupid. He's all-knowing and all-seeing. He will not be mocked. God will always use the remnant for His Glory. The ones who are always misunderstood and overlooked. I don't need to wear D&G or Valentino to prove I'm important and blessed. When God blesses us financially again it is to help others and further the work of God's business.
It's time to rest. I need to continue to rest and recover. Good night to all. Until next time...
Friday, January 18, 2013
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I'm Back and I'm Different
As you can see, I haven't been on my blog in quite some time. A lot of things have happened since my last post which took me away from a lot things that I enjoy doing. I put a lot of these things on the back burner because my family is more important to me than this things are.
I've been contemplating many, many things these past few months. So much that I can't sleep. Constantly thinking and thinking and praying and praying even more. So many things have been running through my mind and so many things have transpired that my life has drastically changed. I see things much differently and I'm not as afraid to state my opinion (not that I cared before) even more. I've realized how insecure I really am and why. My relationships, especially with God, have been severely challenged.
What do you do when so many things go on in and around you that you feel that your spinning out of control? When you don't have anyone to go to because you have major trust issues because when you did share your heart you were exploited by people you thought you could trust or you were told to "get over it". I want to continue to do the things that I love but I am in a position where I feel I am unable to do them. I made a promise to myself that this year was going to be the year where I learn new things. So far I have not been able to do any of those things that are on my "list". Work is hell and I hate it. Even there I can never seem to make my supervisors happy. I work and work and I do my job extremely well but it's never enough for them. It's been like this my whole life and I'm tired of it.
Is it wrong for me to feel like I'm in mourning for my life? We, as a family, have given so much to so many and I feel a little betrayed. I gave my life to a church that really didn't give a damn about me or my family, anyway. Day after day serving only because we love our precious Jesus so much. We didn't serve for recognition, awards or for show. I serve because of what God had done for me when I surrendered my life to Him. People are hurting and lonely and I have the answer for their lives. My life was changed and I found someone who genuinely loves ME for ME and I want to share that hope with others. Jesus has never lied to me, cheated on me, hurt me or spoken to me as though I was worthless. He's always uplifted, guided and loved me as His daughter.
Even now God has given me permission to go ahead and go back to the place of servitude that He has gifted me in. I am frustrated because I don't want to go back, just yet. I know the church is flawed. I know people make mistakes and we must love and forgive and restore. It bothers me when people in ministry and leadership manipulate the pastor(s) and get away with so much because all they want is prestige and position. I hate it when people think they are so holy that they forget where they came from and how far God has brought them from the crap they were suffocating in. I know what I am called to do. I have suppressed it for years because so many people have told me it's not my calling. I, in turn, made the mistake to see myself the way they see me instead of seeing myself the way God does.
Even now I feel betrayed where I serve and fellowship by no fault of my beloved Pastor and C0-Pastor. I love my pastors so very much. They may be imperfect and may make mistakes but whenever we asked them to be honest and transparent they have been. I thank God for them every day. If anyone would hurt them or speak poorly of them, and people have, I will be one of the first to have their back. To me they are a special and wonderful part of our family.
My family is not perfect either and I hate it when people have always had something negative to say about my children, my husband and me. I'm tired and I'm not taking it any more. If you don't like me or my family, shut your mouth and just leave us alone. Karma is real. What goes around comes around. It's biblical. God does see and will not allow His anointed ones treated poorly. Not even by church folk. Therefore, as I end this one blog of many more to come I pray we all find the peace that our Lord has promised and we walk in His Grace and don't take advantage of that Grace.
More to come.......
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Tired?
It has been a very busy and stressful week. Therefore, today I have done nothing but hang out around the house watching movies, enjoying French Toast for breakfast (Thank you Mikey), and a late lunch of a ham sandwich and chips. Very out of character for me (the relaxing part). So much has been racing through my mind these past few weeks and being a bit ill and not being able to nurse myself back to health didn't help with the stress and melancholy feelings, either. And talk to someone? Nope. It's just God who I share my heart with. My children have their own lives and don't need my crap heaped upon them and my precious Michael is way too fragile to handle lots of things, right now. Therefore, I am place in a position to sit before God and get intimate with Him. I think He's done that on purpose.
It's so odd why so many people always seem to come to me for prayer and/or advice when I'm going through major hell. I really don't understand that. I am forced to dig deep into my faith and believe with people I really don't know and try to help them with their problems asking God for help and wisdom in order to give them some type of hope and help. This has brought up feelings of inadequacy that constantly rear their ugly head and I've been realizing that it may be a difficult thing for me to change without God's continuous help.
Right now I feel, and I hate saying "I feel", like a failure as a parent, wife and person, in general. But, God always reminds me of how much He loves me and how precious I am to Him. That I am more than a conqueror. A great Victor in the Kingdom of God. A child of the Most High God. Then tell me why is it I cannot wrap my heart and mind around that truth. God has changed me in a mighty way these past 30 years. I am not the same woman I was 30 years, 20 years or even 2 weeks ago. Yet, the enemy constantly reminds me of my shortcomings. Both physical and spiritual.
Too many years have gone by and the struggles seem to be getting harder and more challenging. I hear so many "Christians" speak on how happy they are even through the pain. Especially those on TV and radio who are making money out the wazoo. I understand that many of them have gone through tough times. Losing children, family, etc. Yet, I wonder if some of them, not ALL of them, would still be happy and full of joy if they lost their financial security and prestige.
Money and prestige won't make me any happier than I am now. I know that. I am just very weary from the financial struggles and pain that we've gone through over the years. The struggles of life have slowly eroded my heart and I would love to be able to enjoy life to its fullest. I'm tired of simply existing. Working hard and not seeing any results from my labors has been quite distressing. When is it our turn, my turn?
I read the scriptures and meditate on it every day. I believe the Word of God. It's the only Word that hasn't ever lied to me or discouraged and ridiculed me. My faith is just at a point where I even questions all my actions. Wondering why I do and say things. Seems as though all the desires of my heart seem to fade in the background and I am doing other things I don't like or want to do and I'm miserable beyond words. I am grateful for employment and I hate my job. I'm tired of wondering if I'm going to have enough to pay for all of our obligations, medication, household necessities, etc. Simply stated. "I'm tired."
God has brought a lot of people back into my life and I often question Him "Why"? I worry about my children and husband. Even the dogs. Geez! I'm concerned about the dogs? Wow! I miss my Mom terribly. I wish I could have had a better relationship with my brother. I'm glad I'm in menopause but hate the weight gain and nasty looking figure. Blech! It's so gross. I have great legs and pretty feet but tend to focus on the negative. I want to change focusing on the negative aspects of who I am. I want to sing again. I really miss it but don feel it's time to go back, yet. I want to take piano and voice lessons. I want a better job with better pay. I want my own house and car. I want to know God so intimately that it scares me. I want to smell Him, hear Him, touch Him, move when He moves, think what He thinks. *SIGH*
Well, time to go, for now. Need to gather my thoughts.
It's so odd why so many people always seem to come to me for prayer and/or advice when I'm going through major hell. I really don't understand that. I am forced to dig deep into my faith and believe with people I really don't know and try to help them with their problems asking God for help and wisdom in order to give them some type of hope and help. This has brought up feelings of inadequacy that constantly rear their ugly head and I've been realizing that it may be a difficult thing for me to change without God's continuous help.
Right now I feel, and I hate saying "I feel", like a failure as a parent, wife and person, in general. But, God always reminds me of how much He loves me and how precious I am to Him. That I am more than a conqueror. A great Victor in the Kingdom of God. A child of the Most High God. Then tell me why is it I cannot wrap my heart and mind around that truth. God has changed me in a mighty way these past 30 years. I am not the same woman I was 30 years, 20 years or even 2 weeks ago. Yet, the enemy constantly reminds me of my shortcomings. Both physical and spiritual.
Too many years have gone by and the struggles seem to be getting harder and more challenging. I hear so many "Christians" speak on how happy they are even through the pain. Especially those on TV and radio who are making money out the wazoo. I understand that many of them have gone through tough times. Losing children, family, etc. Yet, I wonder if some of them, not ALL of them, would still be happy and full of joy if they lost their financial security and prestige.
Money and prestige won't make me any happier than I am now. I know that. I am just very weary from the financial struggles and pain that we've gone through over the years. The struggles of life have slowly eroded my heart and I would love to be able to enjoy life to its fullest. I'm tired of simply existing. Working hard and not seeing any results from my labors has been quite distressing. When is it our turn, my turn?
I read the scriptures and meditate on it every day. I believe the Word of God. It's the only Word that hasn't ever lied to me or discouraged and ridiculed me. My faith is just at a point where I even questions all my actions. Wondering why I do and say things. Seems as though all the desires of my heart seem to fade in the background and I am doing other things I don't like or want to do and I'm miserable beyond words. I am grateful for employment and I hate my job. I'm tired of wondering if I'm going to have enough to pay for all of our obligations, medication, household necessities, etc. Simply stated. "I'm tired."
God has brought a lot of people back into my life and I often question Him "Why"? I worry about my children and husband. Even the dogs. Geez! I'm concerned about the dogs? Wow! I miss my Mom terribly. I wish I could have had a better relationship with my brother. I'm glad I'm in menopause but hate the weight gain and nasty looking figure. Blech! It's so gross. I have great legs and pretty feet but tend to focus on the negative. I want to change focusing on the negative aspects of who I am. I want to sing again. I really miss it but don feel it's time to go back, yet. I want to take piano and voice lessons. I want a better job with better pay. I want my own house and car. I want to know God so intimately that it scares me. I want to smell Him, hear Him, touch Him, move when He moves, think what He thinks. *SIGH*
Well, time to go, for now. Need to gather my thoughts.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Why I Sing
I may not sound like the ladies of Mary Mary, Jessie J., or others that sound so beautiful and I may not have a recording contract or sing in many venues. Friends, I sing because HE gave me a wonderful gift to give back to HIM. When I sing I go to a place where God and I are alone together and I can touch HIM and smell HIM and be w/ HIM in such an intimate way that only HE and I know and understand. If no one else hears or even acknowledges my singing, it's okay. HE is why I sing.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Restless
Isn't it funny how we ask God for something and he gives it to you and you don't know what do with what He's given you? I've been asking for a couple of days off since I have been busting my butt at work and haven't taken a personal day off since the day before Christmas Eve 2010. Now I have a whole day off (due to snow and ice) and I just don't know what to do with myself.
I am so trying to relax and don't have a clue how to relax and not think about whether, or not, I'm going to get into trouble for not being able to go to work today. I know it's stupid, but my work ethics are very strong and with all the crappy things that went on before a couple of my co-workers quit (and one dismissed), I feel as though I'm being scrutinized for every little thing by PHS management. Our new manager, however, (Ms. Lisa), has been more than a blessing. She has definitely been an answer to prayer. So why am I stressing about not being at work? Probably because a new employee started about 3 and a half weeks ago and I'm used to working my fingers to the bone to make sure things get done.
I'm like that with my family and ministry, as well. More so when it comes to my family. Little things that don't get done just get my goat. I want things covered. I'm so used to doing, doing, doing and not really taking time out for myself. When I do decide to do something for myself I tend to feel guilty. GEEZ! Therefore, I'm going to grab a pen and paper and write down some thoughts that I should've done months ago and spend some time with my husband, daughter and dogs. I've asked God to overcome me and my family with ALL of His blessings imaginable. Well, it's starting to flow and I'm at a loss for words. I can hardly wait to see what else He's going to pour on me and my family.
I am so trying to relax and don't have a clue how to relax and not think about whether, or not, I'm going to get into trouble for not being able to go to work today. I know it's stupid, but my work ethics are very strong and with all the crappy things that went on before a couple of my co-workers quit (and one dismissed), I feel as though I'm being scrutinized for every little thing by PHS management. Our new manager, however, (Ms. Lisa), has been more than a blessing. She has definitely been an answer to prayer. So why am I stressing about not being at work? Probably because a new employee started about 3 and a half weeks ago and I'm used to working my fingers to the bone to make sure things get done.
I'm like that with my family and ministry, as well. More so when it comes to my family. Little things that don't get done just get my goat. I want things covered. I'm so used to doing, doing, doing and not really taking time out for myself. When I do decide to do something for myself I tend to feel guilty. GEEZ! Therefore, I'm going to grab a pen and paper and write down some thoughts that I should've done months ago and spend some time with my husband, daughter and dogs. I've asked God to overcome me and my family with ALL of His blessings imaginable. Well, it's starting to flow and I'm at a loss for words. I can hardly wait to see what else He's going to pour on me and my family.
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