Mortality

It's a hard thing when you're faced with your own mortality.  At work today I actually spoke words that I thought I would never speak.  Discussing, with a coworker, about health issues of family members.  Her elderly father and my beloved husband were the main topic of discussion most of the morning.  While waiting for the results of Michael's ulrasound of the TIPSS procedure that was done a few weeks ago, God challenged me.  Do I trust Him no matter the outcome?  Do I continue to speak life, no matter the outcome?

I was extremely surprised when Louise and I were sharing stories about the men in our lives and she asked me what I would do if Michael didn't make it through all of his health issues and God would take him home?  I thought I would burst out in tears and rant and rave but a strange peace came over me and I spoke the words that God placed on my heart.  "God's will is always meant for good and not evil.  His thoughts towards me are for great things.  What ever He decides, He will give me the strength and wisdom to handle it."  Was that me speaking?  I knew it was God and not me.  I probably would've cursed and spoke something negative a decade ago, but God wouldn't allow it and I actually let Him speak through me.  Not only to encourage Louise, but to encourage me, too.

I definitely DO NOT want to see my precious Man-of-God lose his battle with liver disease, but I've come to grips that one day we will all face our Maker whether we like it, or not.  Through all of the lack of sleep, stress, tiredness and craziness because of the many trials we have gone through as a family, I've learned that God is my only hope.  The Joy of the LORD is my strength.  Those words mean more to me now than ever.  

I don't want to face life, sickness and death with such negativity as to embarrass and not please my precious LORD.  It's time for bed, now.  I will continue more at a later date.........

Growth

 I wrote this on Monday, 06 September 2010....thought I'd post it here.

As I get ready for another work day, tomorrow, and I sit here wasting time on FB, I am grateful for the time spend with my wonderful family. Mike, Chrys, Bethany and Ann bless my life more than they may ever know.  We take for granted the people we have allowed to share our lives and treat them like an old shoe and toss them aside.  But, if we really need "that old shoe" for something, we continue to use it and abuse it and then throw in the corner of the closet or just toss it in the trash can altogether because they no longer can be used for our selfish purposes.

Since my nephew's death, this last week, I have been forced to look, in retrospect, at my own life and how I treat it (life) and those around me. Ministering to a precious woman today showed me how much God really loves us. Yet, I still felt that twinge of despair and hopelessness after telling her about the love and hope that God (Jesus) can and will bring.  After talking with this woman,  I sat in one of the local malls and had a tearful chat with my daughter.  As "Mom" it's difficult to share the difficulties and hurts that we are going through with our adult children.  As "Mom", we look at them as our "babies".  Always wanting to bring help and comfort to them and not realizing that they also want to bring help and comfort to us. Good 'ol nasty pride.  LOL!

I have been blessed with two wonderful, intelligent, wise and loving children.  A great Pastor and Co-Pastor.  A dear, sensitive and wonderful friend (Ann) and a husband that has stood by me through thick and thin. And, yes, Andrew who has been a vital part of our lives and has been a blessing to our family.  Plus, there are few others (VERY FEW) that have stayed in my life many, many years and have so blessed me in many uncommon ways. As I go through this new adventure I realize how much it hurts.  I don't like it and I have let God know (quite loudly) in protest about my demise.  But, I am grateful for the growth and revelation that only God can bring during these times.  Growing pains hurt but it's necessary whether we like it, or not.

I need to keep my eye on the prize and not the mess around me.  I want to hear "well done" from the One who created me and do what He asks in the interim.  Until next time......