"Faith is to the soul what life is to the body. Prayer is to faith what breath is to the body. How a person can live and not breathe is past my comprehension, and how a person can believe and not pray is past my comprehension too." - J. C. Ryle #Bible http://j.mp/jefMK8
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Tired?
It has been a very busy and stressful week. Therefore, today I have done nothing but hang out around the house watching movies, enjoying French Toast for breakfast (Thank you Mikey), and a late lunch of a ham sandwich and chips. Very out of character for me (the relaxing part). So much has been racing through my mind these past few weeks and being a bit ill and not being able to nurse myself back to health didn't help with the stress and melancholy feelings, either. And talk to someone? Nope. It's just God who I share my heart with. My children have their own lives and don't need my crap heaped upon them and my precious Michael is way too fragile to handle lots of things, right now. Therefore, I am place in a position to sit before God and get intimate with Him. I think He's done that on purpose.
It's so odd why so many people always seem to come to me for prayer and/or advice when I'm going through major hell. I really don't understand that. I am forced to dig deep into my faith and believe with people I really don't know and try to help them with their problems asking God for help and wisdom in order to give them some type of hope and help. This has brought up feelings of inadequacy that constantly rear their ugly head and I've been realizing that it may be a difficult thing for me to change without God's continuous help.
Right now I feel, and I hate saying "I feel", like a failure as a parent, wife and person, in general. But, God always reminds me of how much He loves me and how precious I am to Him. That I am more than a conqueror. A great Victor in the Kingdom of God. A child of the Most High God. Then tell me why is it I cannot wrap my heart and mind around that truth. God has changed me in a mighty way these past 30 years. I am not the same woman I was 30 years, 20 years or even 2 weeks ago. Yet, the enemy constantly reminds me of my shortcomings. Both physical and spiritual.
Too many years have gone by and the struggles seem to be getting harder and more challenging. I hear so many "Christians" speak on how happy they are even through the pain. Especially those on TV and radio who are making money out the wazoo. I understand that many of them have gone through tough times. Losing children, family, etc. Yet, I wonder if some of them, not ALL of them, would still be happy and full of joy if they lost their financial security and prestige.
Money and prestige won't make me any happier than I am now. I know that. I am just very weary from the financial struggles and pain that we've gone through over the years. The struggles of life have slowly eroded my heart and I would love to be able to enjoy life to its fullest. I'm tired of simply existing. Working hard and not seeing any results from my labors has been quite distressing. When is it our turn, my turn?
I read the scriptures and meditate on it every day. I believe the Word of God. It's the only Word that hasn't ever lied to me or discouraged and ridiculed me. My faith is just at a point where I even questions all my actions. Wondering why I do and say things. Seems as though all the desires of my heart seem to fade in the background and I am doing other things I don't like or want to do and I'm miserable beyond words. I am grateful for employment and I hate my job. I'm tired of wondering if I'm going to have enough to pay for all of our obligations, medication, household necessities, etc. Simply stated. "I'm tired."
God has brought a lot of people back into my life and I often question Him "Why"? I worry about my children and husband. Even the dogs. Geez! I'm concerned about the dogs? Wow! I miss my Mom terribly. I wish I could have had a better relationship with my brother. I'm glad I'm in menopause but hate the weight gain and nasty looking figure. Blech! It's so gross. I have great legs and pretty feet but tend to focus on the negative. I want to change focusing on the negative aspects of who I am. I want to sing again. I really miss it but don feel it's time to go back, yet. I want to take piano and voice lessons. I want a better job with better pay. I want my own house and car. I want to know God so intimately that it scares me. I want to smell Him, hear Him, touch Him, move when He moves, think what He thinks. *SIGH*
Well, time to go, for now. Need to gather my thoughts.
It's so odd why so many people always seem to come to me for prayer and/or advice when I'm going through major hell. I really don't understand that. I am forced to dig deep into my faith and believe with people I really don't know and try to help them with their problems asking God for help and wisdom in order to give them some type of hope and help. This has brought up feelings of inadequacy that constantly rear their ugly head and I've been realizing that it may be a difficult thing for me to change without God's continuous help.
Right now I feel, and I hate saying "I feel", like a failure as a parent, wife and person, in general. But, God always reminds me of how much He loves me and how precious I am to Him. That I am more than a conqueror. A great Victor in the Kingdom of God. A child of the Most High God. Then tell me why is it I cannot wrap my heart and mind around that truth. God has changed me in a mighty way these past 30 years. I am not the same woman I was 30 years, 20 years or even 2 weeks ago. Yet, the enemy constantly reminds me of my shortcomings. Both physical and spiritual.
Too many years have gone by and the struggles seem to be getting harder and more challenging. I hear so many "Christians" speak on how happy they are even through the pain. Especially those on TV and radio who are making money out the wazoo. I understand that many of them have gone through tough times. Losing children, family, etc. Yet, I wonder if some of them, not ALL of them, would still be happy and full of joy if they lost their financial security and prestige.
Money and prestige won't make me any happier than I am now. I know that. I am just very weary from the financial struggles and pain that we've gone through over the years. The struggles of life have slowly eroded my heart and I would love to be able to enjoy life to its fullest. I'm tired of simply existing. Working hard and not seeing any results from my labors has been quite distressing. When is it our turn, my turn?
I read the scriptures and meditate on it every day. I believe the Word of God. It's the only Word that hasn't ever lied to me or discouraged and ridiculed me. My faith is just at a point where I even questions all my actions. Wondering why I do and say things. Seems as though all the desires of my heart seem to fade in the background and I am doing other things I don't like or want to do and I'm miserable beyond words. I am grateful for employment and I hate my job. I'm tired of wondering if I'm going to have enough to pay for all of our obligations, medication, household necessities, etc. Simply stated. "I'm tired."
God has brought a lot of people back into my life and I often question Him "Why"? I worry about my children and husband. Even the dogs. Geez! I'm concerned about the dogs? Wow! I miss my Mom terribly. I wish I could have had a better relationship with my brother. I'm glad I'm in menopause but hate the weight gain and nasty looking figure. Blech! It's so gross. I have great legs and pretty feet but tend to focus on the negative. I want to change focusing on the negative aspects of who I am. I want to sing again. I really miss it but don feel it's time to go back, yet. I want to take piano and voice lessons. I want a better job with better pay. I want my own house and car. I want to know God so intimately that it scares me. I want to smell Him, hear Him, touch Him, move when He moves, think what He thinks. *SIGH*
Well, time to go, for now. Need to gather my thoughts.
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