As you can see, I haven't been on my blog in quite some time. A lot of things have happened since my last post which took me away from a lot things that I enjoy doing. I put a lot of these things on the back burner because my family is more important to me than this things are.
I've been contemplating many, many things these past few months. So much that I can't sleep. Constantly thinking and thinking and praying and praying even more. So many things have been running through my mind and so many things have transpired that my life has drastically changed. I see things much differently and I'm not as afraid to state my opinion (not that I cared before) even more. I've realized how insecure I really am and why. My relationships, especially with God, have been severely challenged.
What do you do when so many things go on in and around you that you feel that your spinning out of control? When you don't have anyone to go to because you have major trust issues because when you did share your heart you were exploited by people you thought you could trust or you were told to "get over it". I want to continue to do the things that I love but I am in a position where I feel I am unable to do them. I made a promise to myself that this year was going to be the year where I learn new things. So far I have not been able to do any of those things that are on my "list". Work is hell and I hate it. Even there I can never seem to make my supervisors happy. I work and work and I do my job extremely well but it's never enough for them. It's been like this my whole life and I'm tired of it.
Is it wrong for me to feel like I'm in mourning for my life? We, as a family, have given so much to so many and I feel a little betrayed. I gave my life to a church that really didn't give a damn about me or my family, anyway. Day after day serving only because we love our precious Jesus so much. We didn't serve for recognition, awards or for show. I serve because of what God had done for me when I surrendered my life to Him. People are hurting and lonely and I have the answer for their lives. My life was changed and I found someone who genuinely loves ME for ME and I want to share that hope with others. Jesus has never lied to me, cheated on me, hurt me or spoken to me as though I was worthless. He's always uplifted, guided and loved me as His daughter.
Even now God has given me permission to go ahead and go back to the place of servitude that He has gifted me in. I am frustrated because I don't want to go back, just yet. I know the church is flawed. I know people make mistakes and we must love and forgive and restore. It bothers me when people in ministry and leadership manipulate the pastor(s) and get away with so much because all they want is prestige and position. I hate it when people think they are so holy that they forget where they came from and how far God has brought them from the crap they were suffocating in. I know what I am called to do. I have suppressed it for years because so many people have told me it's not my calling. I, in turn, made the mistake to see myself the way they see me instead of seeing myself the way God does.
Even now I feel betrayed where I serve and fellowship by no fault of my beloved Pastor and C0-Pastor. I love my pastors so very much. They may be imperfect and may make mistakes but whenever we asked them to be honest and transparent they have been. I thank God for them every day. If anyone would hurt them or speak poorly of them, and people have, I will be one of the first to have their back. To me they are a special and wonderful part of our family.
My family is not perfect either and I hate it when people have always had something negative to say about my children, my husband and me. I'm tired and I'm not taking it any more. If you don't like me or my family, shut your mouth and just leave us alone. Karma is real. What goes around comes around. It's biblical. God does see and will not allow His anointed ones treated poorly. Not even by church folk. Therefore, as I end this one blog of many more to come I pray we all find the peace that our Lord has promised and we walk in His Grace and don't take advantage of that Grace.
More to come.......
